My Crusader Kings 3 character began a reckless affair with the Queen of Battle World, and gained

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“Information from the emperor, my liege”, cringes the chancellor, as he loiters awkwardly earlier than the door of his lordship’s privy. However the one reply he will get is the rhythmic thump of buttocks on wooden: as soon as once more, the Duke is having intercourse. The chancellor is used to this sound, after all. It’s the furtive drumbeat which underscores courtly life on this recreation of Crusader Kings 3, beneath the faint and ever-present cacophony of the Battle. And it’s distinctly uncomfortable to take heed to.

Pressing information,” stresses the chancellor eventually, by way of a grimace of social nervousness, and after a number of extra moments of thumping, there’s a grunt of annoyance from behind the door (the chancellor hopes it’s a grunt of annoyance, in any case), and the unseen movement stops.

“What kind of information?” asks the Duke, in a gelid, patrician drawl.

Good information!,” insists the chancellor, voice leaping to the octave reserved for less than essentially the most determined of liars. “Emperor LinkedIn has seen match to grant your lordship with two new counts, to function thine vassals.” There’s one other grunt, of dismissal this time, and the thumping behind the door resumes.

However the resumed shagging is lacklustre, and shortly peters out, because the Duke’s thoughts works.

“That’s all?” asks his lordship, in a tone inflexible with suspicion. “Two new vassals?”

“Not… fairly, my liege,” admits the chancellor, fingers wiggling nervously in his outsized sleeves. “You, your self, have been… ah… granted as a vassal,” he cringes, “to a brand new lord”. There’s one loud, closing thump then, and a brutal silence. “Who?” hisses the Duke.

“His excellency King Sausage & Chips,” blurts the chancellor in a mouselike register, “lord and grasp of Battle World.” There’s a for much longer silence, now.


*movie trailer report scratch noise*

“Fuck,” says Duke Dukeroonie, and absent-mindedly kicks the privy door off its hinges. “That’s not preferrred, is it?”. His immense physique unfolds from the area like a free cluster of haunted tent poles, and he stands with a weary sigh, willy swinging unpleasantly within the breeze.

“Not preferrred in any respect,” concurs the chancellor morosely, as Queen Saexburh of Battle World, spouse of King Sausage & Chips, emerges blinking from the privy.

It’s the yr 981AD. Or relatively the yr 1AG – after Gigaknight – since Catholicism is little greater than a fringe cult, following the 114-year reign of that horrendous, unbelievable man. Gigaknight was an experiment to see simply how overpowered a human being I might create, utilizing CK3’s customized ruler designer. He was extraordinarily highly effective. And now that he’s lifeless eventually, the world has turn into a warzone, battled over by his legion of mighty sons.

I made a decision to expertise the primary chunk of this postgigaknightian epoch as Duke Dukeroonie, the youngest of Gigaknight’s grownup sons, and a personality in an fascinating place.

He’s the ruler of Anjou, an impartial duchy in the midst of the dominion as soon as referred to as France. Gigaknight renamed France ‘Battle World’, and it’s definitely residing as much as its identify: earlier than he died, the Huge Man modified all his childrens’ feudal contracts so they might merrily declare warfare on one another at will, and in consequence you may principally stroll from Calais to Marseilles on the our bodies of lifeless men-at-arms.


A map of Europe's conflicting powers, with about as much coherence and order as a spilled bag of skittles.
As you may see, Europe is a whole fucking mess. There’s presently a horrific warfare happening between Beast Knight and Wretch Knight, and one other messy battle additional East, which I believe includes excessive priest Horse Boy and a man referred to as Distress Knight.

Dukeroonie, nonetheless, managed to remain out of this carnage. And as I settled into his sneakers, I made a decision that what he ought to actually be doing was making an attempt to damage the lives of all his older siblings, in order to creep up the inheritance hierarchies. It made sense that he’d be bitter, I believe: whereas most of Gigaknight’s surviving progeny are organized in free genetic batches, grouped across the late emperor’s closing quartet of wives, Dukeroonie is the one son of a attractive berserker referred to as Vigdis, who a 110-year-old Gigaknight shagged after a cracking chat about economics at a feast in Estonia.

I imagined the Duke would maintain his clannish elder brothers in contempt, and none extra so than Sausage & Chips, the affable, paranoid King of Battle World itself. And so the formidable younger man got down to damage his sibling’s life utilizing his two best abilities: “mendacity” and “boning”. Inside what felt like minutes, Dukeroonie had not solely launched into an limitless collection of privy-based shag marathons with the Queen of Battle World, however had turn into nothing lower than her soulmate. Wowser!

And so the formidable younger man got down to damage his sibling’s life utilizing his two best abilities: “mendacity” and “boning”.

However then the information got here: as a part of the determined, ceaseless rearrangement of feudal hierarchies essential to postpone an empire-shattering insurrection, the weary emperor of the Gigaknight Ascendancy, LinkedIn LinkedInson, had folded Anjou into Battle World. This transfer had tripled Dukeroonie’s efficient territory – however had additionally put his life within the palms of the violent, paranoid man whose spouse he was ronalding.

Figuring out that he could be imprisoned and sure eaten if his secret was found (as a result of Gigaknight made cannibalism a key tenet of the state faith, after all), Dukeroonie modified his priorities quickly. He wanted to get as deep within the emperor’s good books as attainable, as a way to be in with an opportunity of begging an imperial pardon when the shit inevitably hit the fan.

For the following few years, then, the Duke hurled himself into the entrance line of each scrap of beef the empire bought concerned in. And there was plenty of beef. As Gigaknight had travelled the world, he had handed out eligible grandchildren to the native the Aristocracy like crisps, purely to unfold his astonishing DNA. Dozens of meaningless alliances had been solid. And following the Huge Man’s demise, his geopolitical chickens had been coming in to roost eventually.


A battle playing out in Crusader Kings 3 - the huge and frightening form of King Bloodmaster dwarfs his opponent on the combat UI.
Admittedly, one issue serving to Dukeroonie’s success immensely on this glut of back-to-back warmongering was the assist of King Bloodmaster of Prawns World, the best normal on the earth, and apparently the best fan of Duke Dukeroonie too. If a marketing campaign was going south, all of the Duke needed to do was whip out his wood nokia and name his half-brother, and inside moments, this bloody eight foot tall, scar-from-the-lion-king-looking medieval area marine would present up with a horde of grizzled sword bastards.

Dukeroonie didn’t care, as long as he bought to take part in a warfare. Whether or not it was a messy siege within the Ruhr valley, or some incomprehensible horse battle on the giddy extremities of Central Asia, the Duke would make a beeline for the motion, accompanied by 5 thousand snarling yokels. Possibly he took a wagon stuffed with sex-havers, to maintain him busy on the journey. Or possibly he simply bought all the way down to it with the yokels. Both means, in some unspecified time in the future he had a son, who he absent-mindedly named FIST KNIGHT.

In the meantime, issues had been simply getting extra awkward with King Sausage & Chips. Presumably unsuspicious of his spouse’s fixed, mysterious odysseys to distant sieges, the jovial king determined to provide the Duke one other couple of vassals. The lad should have appeared like a protected (and massive) pair of palms, I suppose.

After which, after all, the inevitable occurred. On the Battle World Christmas get together, or its neohellenic equal, within the yr 4AG, Duke Dukeroonie bought utterly mangled on wine, and boasted about his queen-bungling exploits… to considered one of his new vassals, who occurred to be finest mates with King Sausage & Chips.


A very disgruntled-looking medieval man against the backdrop of a feast hall, with flavour text explaining the drunken letting-slip of a terrible secret,
That’s the face of a person who shouldn’t be impressed.

One can solely think about the hangover dread which should have set within the subsequent day, and the ghastly, head-pounding rush with which Dukeroonie should have grabbed his fancy parchment, as a way to scribble out a frantic begging letter to the emperor in between bouts of sick-barking. The letter was nailed to a pigeon and despatched on its means, and the race was on: would the emperor’s forgiveness attain Duke Dukeroonie, earlier than the wrath of King Sausage & Chips?

Ultimately, it might be the emperor’s forgiveness. However by then it might not matter – as a result of one thing else arrived first.

It was a letter from King Sausage & Chips. However not even a impolite one. It had been despatched earlier than the fateful feast, and promised the Duke nothing lower than a place as the King’s spymaster. You realize, the particular person in command of ensuring the King doesn’t die, and entrusted with full authority over all issues of state safety. Sausage & Chips had apparently thought this an awesome concept, due to the Duke’s extraordinary expertise for scheming.

Properly, fairly.


The death of King Sausage & Chips, by poisoning.

The King discovered in regards to the Duke’s betrayal, not lengthy after that. And when he did, he was so cross, he sat all the way down to angrily chomp his means by way of a large dish of his favorite meals: sausage and chips. It was the final mistake he ever made.

As a reward for this heinous act, Duke Dukeroonie was recruited into Witch Squad. There have been no additional penalties.


Duke Dukeroonie, who looks like a sort of gargantuan Ben Stiller, looks awed as he discovers, like Harry Potter from Star Wars, that he is a witch.
“You’re a witch, Harry”

Whose vile adventures would you wish to see subsequent? Barring poor outdated Sausage & Chips, just about everybody I discussed in final week’s publish remains to be alive (other than Wretch Knight, who I am 90% sure was murdered by Beast Knight), and I might leap into any of their minds if I really feel like taking part in some extra. Let me know within the feedback who you’d wish to see, ought to I do exactly that, and watch out to not put undue belief in seven-foot-tall dukes.



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